What do I want?
Sitting in the shade on the balcony, looking over the green trees and the small water that runs along side my apartment, there is only one question on my mind. What do I want? Not what do I need, or what do I like. No this is very specific today. Not wanting to have, although some stuff would be nice to have. The deepest question that wells up is coming from a different source. As if I am questioning myself to take a deeper look into my current and present life. Lost a bit in memories, flashes that pass my minds eye, bringing up emotions as well. Time spend on that beautiful lake side in France. One Love, 2 hearts that were so connected with that region, that special place and energy.
Looking through my minds eye, I was coming down the hill, crossing the bridged way that divides the 2 parts of the lake. Turning to the left and passing the camping side, turning corners and passed the beach area, the green area where people are sitting and use the bbq. Up to the end of the lake, the dam that has been build. This is where we brought part of the ashes of my love home again. No longer able to be there in the flesh, yet always present and united with that wonderful spirit of the lake. Deeply connected through time and space, bringing back past lives and present together again. Images that come up spontaneously of the roads we took there, through the hills and forests areas.
What do I want? Return to that place where we have spend for so many years? Knowing it all has been changed as well and it will never be the same again. No the question sitting here goes beyond that. It is about my most inner need, or about what I am missing. It’s not just about the missing of my loving companion. Realizing he wasn’t able to sit on this balcony, so we never have been together in each other’s company outside. It’s my area, although he was very clear then how he wanted it. The grass on the ground, the boxes for the birds, the birds feeders. Everything that connected him to this outdoors area has been removed due to the renovation. Now its all gone, as I am not able to bring it all back the way it was.
This feels as a new start for me, to create this space the way I feel at ease and with a peaceful sense as well. So my hanging garden brings the outside in, my crystals and buddha sculptures as well the rocks I brought back from France. It has become my safe space, filled with my energy. Which is totally fine by me, cause it also felt as a new step forwards. So what brought this up, this question what do I want. Not just the images I watched unexpectedly of the lake and the scenery in that beautiful part of France. It also was realizing we never had the opportunity to sit together in each other’s company. Missing a companion next to me, no need for words, just knowing without speaking. Just the love that holds our relationship to together still.
Am I ready to welcome someone else to enter my space? Is this part of the question, what do I want? Going through all the phases of getting to know someone. The aspects you like or not, the discovery that is knew again after so many years. I am fine on my own, held by the love of so many I can sense. I love to be independent. Making my own decisions, do my own thing. I can create my own safe space as well sanctuary for those who are part of my day to day life. Holding the inner balance within. Do I want this to be disturbed by another person in my life, or is it just the deeper energy that might prevent me to accept someone else in my heart.
I know, it’s more a personal and ego oriented journey, yet my soul is in control as well. How to open up again, to invite some one else within this sacred space of my heart. It’s not about appearances, not the insecurity about looks. It’s about the deep soul to soul and heart to heart connection, nothing less. That will be the standard. There is no karma to be worked through in another new relationship. There is an inner understanding and respect to be all that I can be, and more. Which will work both ways. For sharing is caring, heart to heart, in order to enable the partner as well myself to be all and more. Growing and expanding as equals through love.
I can see this with my soul’s eye and through the knowing in my heart. I would love to encounter this soul that will enable me to be myself. To be held in loving arms as well the exchange of experiences and challenges. In every possible way, to be the partner I want to be. I am not alone in the sense of feeling lonely. Yet I would love to be part of a partnership again. It’s about the willingness and readiness. Which will come from both parties, in order to fulfill each other’s destiny and path that has been chosen. I think I have answered my question, what do I want? I know deep down, now it’s been said, written and acknowledged, I can let go and the intention will be met, some way, some time.
And so it will be.
High Self @RheaDopmeijer ©