I came into this world as youngest of three children. With my brother and sister being 7 and 5 year older than I am, I got the chance to see how they challenged life and learn from it. I was lucky enough to see how they handled school, homework, friends, family and eventually work. However.. I never learnt how to handle my emotions. We did not talk about emotions or feelings at home, no one did, not my parents nor my siblings.
When I cried or had a problem I had the feeling they were either angry at me for coming to them, uninterested or too busy to even care. No one could just listen or soothe me at moments it was necessary and I only noticed that not being able to talk about my feelings or emotions was scarring me. And so I tried to present myself to the world as the person who did not needed to talk or unleash their emotions, I tried this many years to only find out it was working against me.
As expected things exploded at home. I was in constant fight with both my parents and I longed to escape and find my own way. This I did. I decided to study an hour and a half away from my parents’ house and found the rest I was waiting for.
Before my life started to change I was quite broken and tired, just mentally exhausted. Throughout my new school I got in contact with a counsellor who was able to not even just listen to me but he let me see the cause of the problems. He let me see that there are several sides of one story and that all sides should be understood before you can even judge about the subject. Because if you do not understand the roots, how do you want to change. We had many interesting conversations about how the world is how it is and how it is being damaged. And I think these conversations and bringing everything I learnt from him into my daily life gave me a reality check and woke me up.
My catalyst for change was the realisation I was being used by many people. I am a caring person and I always wanted to look out for those I considered my friends. Listen to hours of endless problems, assist my classmates with their projects in which they were not interested at all and always putting others well-being before my own. Even though I was busy with fixing the scars from the past I was still not paying enough attention to what I wanted and what I needed.
How I changed is telling people: “No!”. I have always disliked the word, I disliked not being able to help others, even though I couldn’t. But at a point I did and I stopped caring about things that do not matter and start concentrating that matter for my future, such as my study. For once I am happy with the grades I got. I am happy I went for the abroad internship to grow both mentally and physically. I am realising I am much more and I am capable of much more as long as I go for it 100% and for the first time of my life I have a goal. I think I have experienced the phenomenon that people call “waking up” and the more I see how mainstream this world is becoming the more I am lucky I got to experience this. The feeling that my actual being is young and curious, the feeling I want to explore and that I am meant to explore!
What I learned about myself is that I finally have a goal and I think that the road I am on is bringing me to the place I need to be in life. The place that will bring happiness. I advise anyone with a dull vision on their future to explore and to travel. I do not think it is good for anyone to broaden their horizon at least a little bit.
The positive ways that it has impacted my life is being able to analyse my decisions at times when it is necessary and being impulsive. I have spent too much time on waiting and thinking.
The positive ways that my transformation has affect others’ lives is speaking about my experiences. I have a little handful of friends who are the best and the discussions and conversations I have with them make us think. We listen to each other’s opinions and we talk about thinks that are in the media but also things that the media will not discuss. For people aged below the 30 I think it is -very- important to not only listen to the news but also do your own research and form your own opinion. That is how you make a better world.